One small sign

We know it. We understand the concept of it. But throughout our days we forget it. I try to remember this concept but there will always be times when we forget the hand wave to say thanks for letting us out in the car, or a smile. When we forget, because we are lost in our own thoughts, to send that thank you message, wave or smile it does simply just happen. We don’t always mean for it to. For example, I forget to reply to messages more often than I would like.

I did an online workshop last week all about writing and I thought you would appreciate the story they shared which they opened with. A story this writer herself refers back to for her everyday presence.

There was a woman who had her hair washed and cut every 6 weeks. She went without fail. Every time she went to the hairdressers, she was greeted by her hairdresser with all the love. When she went they would chat and then hug when they had finished. The hairdresser was fully invested in his client and she was fully invested in the experience.

One day, this client turned up at the hairdressers and the hairdresser was confused. He came over and embraced her in his usual hug and asked her if he had missed an appointment as there wasn’t anything booked in the calendar. She explained that it was just on the off-chance. He had space and of course fitted her in. She sat down in the chair and he asked- what’s the special occasion? Was she going out that night? Was she meeting anyone special. She explained there was nothing at all, she simply fancied having her hair washed and styled.

He massaged her scalp as he always did, he dried her hair and massaged her shoulders afterwards, as he always did. He looked her in the eyes in the mirror and told her just how beautiful she was. They went to the till to pay and he embraced her in the warmest hug and she left.

A few weeks later, the hairdresser received a letter from this same person. She wrote to him and explained that she lied about her plans that evening. She did in fact have plans. She had planned to kill herself. She found herself in a place where nothing seemed like it was ever going to get better and where she didn’t have any worth. Suicide seemed the only option. She went on to explain that her experience with him, in the hairdressers, changed her outlook that day. Her time with him simply allowed her to feel, to feel loved by someone. To know that she deserved more.

When I heard that story, I realised that I have been held like this in life a few times. More recently, I have been looking for more signs that I am being seen.

When I was younger, I lost my grandma to cancer. My grandma meant everything to me. She was honestly sometimes quite mean to me and always viewed my brother as precious and me as a pain in the arse. When I hit my early teens, this changed completely and before she passed she gave me the prospectus to Cheltenham College. Every bloody university turned me down except Durham and then I didn’t get three bs. So guess where I ended up training to teach. My grandma passed when I was 14 and I went to university when I was 18.

Whenever I saw a butterfly I always felt my grandma was present. She was a huge butterfly fan. Obsessed with our local butterfly park and had them all over the house, stationery and even went around the world in search of them.

I am now 31 and since then I have always looked for butterflies but only in the past couple of years have I looked for other signs. I bought myself some tarot cards and then angel cards. It’s totally changed my outlook.

Though I may not always get a gesture, I look for signs. It keeps me focussed, positive and grounded. There is a bigger world out there and I am part of that. I am being looked after by the angels, my grandma and my grandpa. Now I pull angel cards and sit with an intention. They are always right. I look for my butterflies and I look for white feathers.

I find them on walks with the children, walks on my own- sometimes even around the house (could be a cushion- could be the angels).

What I am trying to explain is that when we suddenly stop, tune in and focus on our hearts- we can find the signs.

The other evening I shared that a follower (who I Instagram knew for like 4/5 years) dm’d me an out of character message. I know a little about her background and have even sent her bauble pears as gifts to say I was thinking of her in the past. When this message came telling me I wasn’t very open-minded it struck me…hard. One message threw me and I spiralled fast. I was inconsolable telling my husband that I must be a complete dick. Others will think the same. I am lost. I started to consider pulling my Instagram for good or stop over-sharing. I am still feeling super tender around sharing my family situation so this really was a knife in the heart. A heart I always viewed as open as possible.

After an evening with my husband being livid that I was being a sensitive Sally, I finally managed to watch a bit of Netflix in the lounge. I always leave my phone in the kitchen. Before bed, I checked Instagram one final time. This beautiful, kind message completely out of the blue greeted me. I have been getting so much love and support recently but it was the timing of this one.

I sobbed. Like uncontrollably sobbed. My friend who I haven’t spoken to in weeks also messaged that night asking for a catch-up the next day.

After an evening of feeling sorry for myself, I stopped. Listened. I felt that these were gifts. They weren’t feathers and they weren’t butterflies but they were signs. They were signs that in that moment…I probably wasn’t an arsehole.

What these signs and messages of support allowed me to do was go to bed, to sleep and feel a little more whole.

So, I wonder. Do you look for signs? Do you think I sound wild…I get that. I know I sound wild but I also know why I tune in like this. It’s because after years of anxiety I need to support myself with more than just yoga and meditation. I need daily reminders.

Here’s what I propose. You are a wonderful small group. Why don’t you let me pull you an angel card on your behalf. It doesn’t even have to be on public comments. But if you send me an intention, a question, a worry. I can sit for a second. Tune in. I will pick a card and simply write what it says. Honestly, I’d love nothing more. Leave a comment (don’t forget this is a private subscriber only email) or write me an email.

If that isn’t for you, I just want to leave you with these final couple of thoughts. Do you think you look for signs without realising it? Or perhaps you’d like to look for signs. Or perhaps you do. Have you sent a sign? Some love? Some support recently. I often think of someone and suddenly message. Ever done that and then suddenly the friend or family member goes..that was weird I was thinking about you. Or that was weird I was feeling super shit and needed that today.

Much love as always

Naomi x