8 things I learnt from dating

There I was ‘boyfriendless’ – is this even a word? Wondering whether I would ever be loved again. Ah, the desperation was palpable in my newly singleton 22 year old world.

When I moved to Sussex I took a job as a year 3 teacher in a private school. I had never been to private school, wasn’t sure whether I agreed with that system and whether I would ever fit in as a private school teacher. However, it was the 22nd of July (my birthday) and I had the interview. I was desperate for any job at this point. I had been to several interviews and had been rejected (OK was told that I would always be a back-up and couldn’t improve and it may have been to do with the fact my mother was phoning each school telling them I was a missing person…don’t ask…no do as it is a great story I will defo be telling soon enough). It was becoming painful and I was like YES! Plus I love Brighton so it was a no-brainer.

Anyways…the evening I threw a framed picture at my ex-boyfriend and called him all the names under my “swear category” in my brain I realised I was single. I was Bridget Jones. It was going to be just me the cat and the rabbits. I was still also 22…

What I did have, luckily, was a car. I bought it (my grandpa bought it) and I paid him back every single penny for this red Fiat 500 with white stripe. Turns out they are super cute and totally crap on the motorway but it had wheels, an engine and meant I could actually go places because I lived in the middle of nowhere and knew no-one.

I lived on the school site in an old coach house above the cook who I tried to keep on side lest she murder me in my sleep one evening. Scary AF.

When the school was closed, it was dark. The average age at this point in the staffroom was literally 45. No offence to 45 year olds but they hardly want to party like it’s ‘95 on the weekend. It was all such a shock to the system having just left university in the middle of a town.

One day I rang my gramps and informed him that I was going to join some internet sites for dating just to get me out the flat. He was well on-board despite not having a clue what internet dating really was. It was fairly new at this point.

I joined one site and spent ages chatting to about three men. I like to be committed and didn’t want to have conversations with any Tom, Dick or Harry.

Well after Tom, Dick and Harry just spent every evening chatting to me I was bored AF and realised I still actually hadn’t left the flat anyways. Me and the cat were besties and the rabbits had never had so much attention.

At this point I was living off pasta, bacon, egg, and mayo (if you haven’t tried it, it’s basically a full english pasta dish) and baked beans on toast. Tragic.

One Friday evening, I decided to join POF.com. Talk about slim pickings. Fooook me.

Suddenly, within mins, a window popped up with a chat with a guy in Sussex. He didn’t beat around anyone’s bush and literally chatted to me for a few minutes and invited me on a date for that Saturday night.

I was chuffed to be getting out. I had zero friends at this point in the area and meeting someone new, off the internet back then was all very exciting. If a little nerve wracking…will I be in the papers by Sunday.

I text a couple of friends and told my grandpa where I was off to. I gave them the location and did not dress up all that much. My expectations were very low.

One dark November evening on a Saturday, I waited on the streets of Haywards Heath. The road affectionately called “The Strip.” This guy wanders over the street and lesson one:

1- Never trust the height figures on profiles. This guy was so much shorter than I imagined. I wondered if it was my eyes and the distance across the road until he got close and was *just* the same height as me.

We went for a drink and I realised the interest in me started from the fact that this guy also went to public school. Though, I had previously been with a guy from private school so I know how ‘posh’ their twang is and eventually you get used to that.

The conversation flowed way better than I imagined and two coca colas later in two different pubs and I was back to my Fiat.

Successful trip out. I had actually been out the house. I met a guy who seemed OK. I was nervous he’d be like “she was nice Cilla but I think I am going to go with number 3 from last Saturday.”

The guy wasn’t much of a texter. In fact, he asked me to a dinner but on the evening of the said second date he had gone awol. I went home to my flat and sat in my trackies to the tune of “All By My Self.” I finally plucked up the courage to text him and check-in (as a last ditch attempt but I really wasn’t fucked at this point- the guy was clearly an arsehole).

“Oh yeah of course we are still on, I just assumed.”

2- Some guys are really not great at communication and even now, in marriage you realise you really have to spell it out, ask it out-right. Not pussy foot around for the sake of one’s sanity.

WHAT? I had approx 30 mins to drive 20 mins and get changed. Do I sack him off and say- tough tits? Do I just rush around and go for the ‘oh this old thing’ but in a literal sense? I went for the latter because I hardly had better plans and this was the point of going on POF in the first place.

We had a great dinner. BUT then I had to go back with him in his car to his house where he lived at home as I went to his first as he said it would be easier. When we got back he then said I could come say hi to his parents.

3- I am not loved by parents. I should have said no. Meeting parents on date two is ridiculous and this should always be a no ta. Maybe another time situation.

So, I met the parents. It was OK. I left and he leaned in for…I actually don’t know. A hug, a kiss…

4- If you are going in for a kiss. Always go IN for the kiss. Have the confidence, know what you are doing. Be clear in your moves. This lesson is something I have continued to learn. If you want to have sex. Then in an ideal world, you are best to just say “babes, do you want to have sex tonight.” Unless you are in a moment of passion and it’s clear. Communication around affection is still key. Who knew.

Nothing happened and I decided date two was great. He confirmed a date three. Things were looking up. But the inner, I want to get out and meet people part of me, was confused. This isn’t what internet dating is? Internet dating is several people. Like a few. Like, months of work until you find the one. This is just too good to be true.

5- Sometimes you have to go with things and know that sometimes when something seems to good to be true it may well be that it is just good and true. When you hold back and feel like “nah this can’t be” I have continued to realise that you are creating unnecessary hindrances. Sometimes you just got to go with the flow. The controlling everything in life part of me had to squashed.

Date 3 ended up with him in my flat with a Tesco bought Pizza for his birthday as people had let him down on plans. He was keen. I was unsure.

The evening he was due to come round my ex rocked up with a “I made a mistake.” Fook me. I was in my own film. Dating a guy from POF while my ex is asking me if I think I actually like said guy and wondering if we could try again. He was telling me at the same time that he was playing ‘hide the purple parsnip’ with a married woman.

6-You will never understand the way others’ minds work. All you can do is follow your gut and your heart. Listening to others is not of use. It turns out, you can make yourself happy with your own choices and break free from previous habits.

Of course I told him he was ludicrous and sent him kindly on his merry way.

Date 3 did not end in a kiss. Date 3 was lovely. But now I was thinking the reason I get on so well with this new person in my life is because we are destined to be friends.

As the days went on I questioned this a lot. I also questioned how I could be out of a three year relationship and jump into another so quickly. This seemed unacceptable and I was reserved about the whole thing.

Fast forward to another evening this guy was round and finally, in front of Greys Anatomy one late evening, he went in for the kiss. The kiss felt good. Ooooo this is more than just friends.

7-Giving yourself time and space is important. Affection comes in many forms and his constant being there on texts and in person for a few weeks was just as important as the kiss. I have realised it was a sign of ease. Long-term relationships also require time, silence and abstinence. Again. Who knew.

So, the weeks merged into one and Christmas came. I finally realised in around 4 weeks that this was more than just a guy I was dating from POF.com. My internet dating experience could be perhaps marked as the shortest in history? He asked if we could move in together within a month.

Sensible Naomi said to wait a few more months. It paid off. It was marvellous. He was living his best life getting home cooked foods at home and mine (well OK full english pasta).

8- The thing is. I look back and realise that though I was desperate for company I was never, ever by myself. In fact, I never had time for myself and was almost scared to be single. I rushed into relationship after relationship. I am definitely not saying I rushed into this one particularly. The others I did which is why this one also felt rushed. This one was here for a while…

But the point is I haven’t been by myself for years and now, in my 30s with three children I am, ironically, only now starting to learn what having time to explore you means. This must be the opposite for someone who is single and has been for a long-while. Silence at time can be deafening but it can also be welcomed. Time for you is forgotten when you are in a relationship, but it can be remembered and honoured again.

Something we are both, as a couple, working on.

Naomi x