How is your mental load
Hey gorge!
I hope you are super well and have had the most fabulous week. Happy Galentines day for yesterday and Happy Valentine’s Day for today. Though my subject isn’t romantic it is about supporting the relationship with yourself and a loved one. I thought we could chat all things mental load and your cycle today.
The term “mental load” was one I heard a while back now but since hearing it I have considered my own mental load a lot over the past couple of years.
It is a well-known fact that womxn definitely take on the biggest mental load. So much research has gone into this to confirm this fact- it’s also called emotional labour. I do prefer ‘mental load’ but ‘labour’ describes the way it can feel at certain times in a cycle.
It appears that those who live with their husbands/boyfs/long-term partners seem to take on more of the to do list. Remembering a family member’s birthday, picking up the random washing found around the house, when bills are due, meter readings to be sent, overdue cleaning/tidying, booking in the car for it’s mot. Ya get the picture. Then throw in animals, children or big life events like a renovation or trip abroad, well, well, the day to day is amplified and sometimes I think we consider if our brains can actually explode… not but seriously can they?! I read a rather funny (well not so funny depending on how you view it) article on cosmo about the day to day mental load.
We can also consider the bigger picture of a mental load. Let’s take 2019. What a year it was for everyone but if we could just focus in on the UK and Brexshit for a second. I really felt it myself, I felt like I was worrying on behalf of not just my own children but all those who were voting to leave. I felt like I was trying to think of all the reasons we should stay and how I could help make a difference.
Feminists chat a lot about this, for example when a man says to a woman “smile luv.” Sorry- am I supposed to now add today’s list that I must smile for you too? Smile for your fucking self babe.
What I noticed with my mental load in my monthly cycle, was that it was trickier to manage at certain times. I do suffer with anxiety so whether this is a direct link to that I couldn’t answer but let’s be honest- we all like to have clean sheets and we don’t like fines for late bills. So, anxiety aside, my ‘load’ overflows more so at certain times.
We all have cycles, whether you follow the moon, are on contraceptives and still feel your cycle or have a menstrual cycle. If we focus on our hormones for a second. In our pre-ovulatory phase our estrogen is rising and peaks in our late Spring/Summer at Ovulation. After ovulation our progesterone rises and estrogen drops while in our Winter, during our period, our hormones plateau at the lowest level.
It is likely, that when you feel like you are suffering from PMS (when progesterone is almost at its peak) your mental load is at the highest. It’s almost like a little cartoon character hangs off a beaded light switch in your brain- it turns on the light and suddenly everything feels too much. Picking up those boxers from the bathroom makes you suddenly feel like you want a separation and they can have full custody of the bloody dog.
Meanwhile, when you bleed, you have full clarity and can finally see what it is that needs changing.
We don’t notice our mental load when we need to notice it. This is why it is super important to notice what you are taking on that could be distributed. I am not sure strikes are where it is at, as these will likely take place when you are at your most vulnerable in your cycle and most definitely not solve any issues.
Making a list of what is in your brain at any one time is a great idea, then certain things can be given to someone else. I do think, as is the case with it being in your mind, you forget to tell your partner about anything upcoming and a plan made together would be more beneficial.
Communication, something we massively forget in a relationship, is key. If your partner knew where you were in your cycle- i.e. full moons and new moons marked clearly on the calendar- they may be more aware that if they want to avoid death by flying frying pan- to pick up said socks and trousers from the floor.
Jobs. They are jobs, chores, bores-so split them. For example, my husband has full control of the shopping. He is in charge of toothpaste, the vegetable oil and the weekly shop arriving. If he doesn’t have this responsibility then he doesn’t get to clean his teeth and we would eat at the 24 hour Macdonalds everyday (and we all know studies have shown this isn’t good if you want to live longer). Ain’t my problem love- sort it. This has worked well as this saves me adding to another list in my mind.
When it comes to the children, he is in general fully responsible for some bedtimes. This task is an eye opener for anyone who hasn’t done a bedtime before. I remember a friend saying to us once- what? bedtime can take 2 hours? What does that even entail. Well…wanna come round and see?
Then of course, there is when to discuss the feelings of those who feel like life is getting a bit heavy. It’s picking when to do this. At a full moon- nope definitely NOT. In your Autumn- absolutely do not do it then. When you are feeling more level headed- yes, then. Now this involves a huge mind shift but it is doable.
Passing on jobs to an external party. This is a useful task to look at. Could you lower your mental load with further delegation. For example, could you increase your child care hours even by two hours so you can do all your admin for the week in those hours? Could you switch over to companies who are more automated. For example, I switched to Bulb energy and everything is so much easier since it is so automated. Or could you set up more direct debits so you don’t have big bills at once. Could you just get the shopping delivered for now and add to the list through the week together (Tesco for example do a paid monthly subscription to deliveries which makes it work out cheap as chips and though I want to support smaller, local places with less packaging I tried this but rural living + three under three didn’t help my mental load).
What you have to remember is that sometimes we take on things to make a change and actually this issue is part of a bigger issue. So for example, I cried over not being able to make my fresh veg to my door work for us financially but in actual fact bigger shops need to reduce their packaging and this needs to come from the top and not Naomi, living in Sussex. All I can do is buy my fruit and veg elsewhere when I can, remove the packaging when it comes through the door and inform others to do the same.
2020 is about the collective. So making small changes together- working as a team. Realising your not a one womxn band.
I have created a free mental load list for anyone who fancies creating their own list in each of their seasons one cycle and seeing which areas you need the most support with.
Love
Naomi x
